Well, I buckled down this evening and reshot the video that vanished from my iPhone last night. I had to record and edit it all alone but I enjoyed myself. I hope you enjoy listening to my writing as much as I enjoy reading it aloud!
All posts for the month August, 2012
Where Have I Been All My Life? Sex, Drugs, and Asperger’s
Posted by John Scott Holman on August 24, 2012
http://johnscottholman.com/2012/08/24/where-have-i-been-all-my-life-sex-drugs-and-aspergers/
Autism’s Battle Scars
I had not had a meltdown in well over a month and was so proud of myself. Well, I was bound to come apart eventually. It came on in a flash and it’s hard to tell exactly what triggered it. Panda found me in my room crying, beating my face, flapping my hands and gnashing my teeth. I was already nonverbal. She coaxed me into taking a sedative and drinking some milk We went through our verbal exercises and I was able to speak again quickly enough. I don’t know that I’ve EVER been brought down from a meltdown so quickly.
My temples are bruised this morning and I’m a bit embarrassed but I consider the whole ordeal to be a great triumph, both for myself and for Panda. One moment I was launching off the meltdown richter scale and the next I was crying softly, speaking coherently and in complete control.
I don’t know how many times I’ve been told that I don’t seem autistic, or worse, that I don’t “look” autistic. I have many advantages that others on the spectrum do not, but I’m not simply a lovable, absentminded cartoon character. Autism can have a dark side. Witness one of my meltdowns and decide whether or not I “look” autistic.
Even at its worst, autism always offers opportunities for growth, education, and the strengthening of bonds between individuals on and off the spectrum. Love doesn’t recognize words like “autistic” or “neurotypical.” Love transcends silly labels and even conquers the most ferocious of meltdowns.
Posted by John Scott Holman on August 9, 2012
http://johnscottholman.com/2012/08/09/autisms-battle-scars/
Compromise
Upon receiving my diagnosis I made a promise – I would be uncompromisingly true to myself no matter what the cost. I had no idea what an incredible journey this promise would take me on and I never could have truly estimated the cost or the reward. I can no longer recommend that just anyone follow in my footsteps – not without great consideration.
Being uncompromisingly true to yourself may win you a great deal of adulation. This is not necessarily good. Also, you will more than likely be crucified in one way or another. This is not necessarily bad, though the wounds may heal very slowly and forever leave their ugly scars.
After so many years I’m just beginning to grow up. I hate every minute of it. Why? Because I’m learning the necessity of compromise. I still honor myself and my unique attributes, but I’ve come to realize that people fear what is different and though I yearn for a society which nurtures human diversity, I’ve gained a healthy fear of ignorance.
Being different is NOT easy. In fact, sometimes it’s downright dangerous. Choose your battles. Even when you fight for a righteous cause, some battles simply cannot be won, and the cost may be greater than you ever imagined.
Posted by John Scott Holman on August 6, 2012
http://johnscottholman.com/2012/08/06/compromise/
To the greatest fans an aspie could hope for!
Just a little expression of gratitude to all the fantastic people who have loyally supported me throughout all my triumphs and personal struggles! You guys have transformed the life of a really sad and misunderstood kid. Thanks to you I have a sense of purpose! I LOVE ALL OF YOU!
Posted by John Scott Holman on August 3, 2012
http://johnscottholman.com/2012/08/03/to-the-greatest-fans-an-aspie-could-hope-for/
Reflection
A memory of my sister wouldn’t leave me on the ride home today. I cried when I thought of it. It was one of those long days in the hospital and Kassidy was constipated. She had been for a week. Her belly swelled and her pain increased and my family’s tension and exhaustion increased with it. “Please God, let her go a little,” I mouthed as I pushed open the bathroom door.
Like an idiot I forgot to shield her eyes from the mirror. When last she had seen herself her hair was long and her face slender. When she caught sight of herself just then her head was completely hairless. It dipped low on the right side where a port had been surgically inserted into her brain. This freakish indentation was crusty with blood and pus. Her face was swollen and lumpy from the prednisone. She trembled for a moment, trying to be brave, then buried her head in my shoulder and sobbed long and low. I was 15.
I’ve spent years running from memories like this one. I’m emotionally constipated. I have to let go of all that… and if I catch sight of my reflection on the way, I have a feeling I won’t like what I see. And I’ll cry. You bet I’ll cry.
Kassidy could have been spared her reflection but it’s time I took a hard look at mine.
After I cry I’ll laugh again. That’s just how it goes. And it’s good and healthy too. I know that now. I wish I would have known it then.
Posted by John Scott Holman on August 2, 2012
http://johnscottholman.com/2012/08/02/reflection/
